“And she bloomed in the darkness”
Oil and acrylic on canvas
18”x24”
I have never felt a desire to paint myself, to make a self portrait. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with depression and anxiety. I used to think that made me weak, and I carried a lot of shame about how much work I had to do to feel like a functional human.
In December 2019, I lost my son, Charlie, who I was pregnant with, to a horrific and life threatening complication, placental abruption. In the months that followed, when Covid became a reality, I hit a low. I didn’t know what the future held and I was terrified that I would never hold a child of mine, never look them in the eyes, never comfort them, never see their smile.
Then I became pregnant with Teddy. In this pregnancy, I found a strength in myself that I didn’t know existed. Struggling with the onset of PTSD following the traumatic loss of Charlie while managing the grief and anxiety of a new pregnancy revealed a beauty in myself that I had never seen.
I was several months pregnant when I snapped a photo of myself. I was picking myself up off the floor after crying in my grief, and putting myself back together to keep facing the day. Last summer I found this photo in my archives and I saw something in it that I suddenly needed to capture.
This portrait is what resulted. In it, I see grief and exhaustion, but I also see a steely gaze determined to continue forward. I see a woman who is choosing to continue to forge a positive path for herself and her family. The sunflowers represent the growth and beauty I found in the darkness, in me. I look at this person and hold her in high esteem, in pride.